Well I've always been able to pick myself up and dust myself off thru anything that has been delt to me. I've handeled all the trials and tribulations as they have come.
But this one is something I can't overcome.....I have given up !!
My tools have been sold(thanks Jay),my truck and trailer have been transfered to a friend(enjoy them Rich),all my guns are gone(Lil' brother has most),I only have two weeks worth of clothing(less laundry),my cremation has been set-up and prepaid. I feel that all things are in order..
Feb.14th. I went to see my brain surgen one last time. As far as he was concerned,if I didn't do radiation or chemo,he no longer had a reason to see me. At least he's not a salesman !!!
Pain med.s are doing good so far,,I will need one of those oxygen makers in time.But thats down the road I guess.
With all the people that wanted to hear about this crap,,It's surprising that I have so few followers or comments...Oh well.
My nose is starting to run alot and there's a familar pain starting in my head just like before the surgery.CRAP !!
I pray every night that I won't wake up in the morning.But God just dosen't need me just yet I guess. I might seem like a coward, but I don't want the pain that I've heard about.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Feb.07/11
Well,it's Monday morning and I get to see my brain surgen this afternoon. Big deal,,,
I've been thinking all weekend about stupid things. Like when a person gets sick:
Why does family back off and leave the caring part to a friend? Heck,, I've known family all my life, and the friend who stands beside me,only 5 years.
Why do some people try to lay a guilt trip on you when they already know you're down?There is a drama queen in my life that dosent seem to wanna be anything but a hero,,give me a break !!
Why do the gov.offices take so darn long to respond?Stage 4 is stage 4,,,I never heard of stage 5,,have you??
Why aren't more young guys getting into my trade? I have lots of tools for sale.
Why does Larry the dog stay within 10 feet of me all the time?? Does he know something nobody else does?
Why does the time release morphine kick my butt in the dirt for 2 days straight?
Why am I thinking these stupid things?I know whats happening,and I'm good with it.I just it would be over with.
I've been thinking all weekend about stupid things. Like when a person gets sick:
Why does family back off and leave the caring part to a friend? Heck,, I've known family all my life, and the friend who stands beside me,only 5 years.
Why do some people try to lay a guilt trip on you when they already know you're down?There is a drama queen in my life that dosent seem to wanna be anything but a hero,,give me a break !!
Why do the gov.offices take so darn long to respond?Stage 4 is stage 4,,,I never heard of stage 5,,have you??
Why aren't more young guys getting into my trade? I have lots of tools for sale.
Why does Larry the dog stay within 10 feet of me all the time?? Does he know something nobody else does?
Why does the time release morphine kick my butt in the dirt for 2 days straight?
Why am I thinking these stupid things?I know whats happening,and I'm good with it.I just it would be over with.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Feb.5 11
Here we go,,,
A lady I used to know took me to my oncologist (salesman) on friday. He was full of promise and hope for a little more time.He offered radiation to my brain and my lung so I might last a little longer,or just maintnence meds if I decided to do without the radation.Remember folks !!! He's a salesman !! He makes his money by supplying false hope when he knows that stage 4 is it..
I have been up since 2 am this morning, chatting with people on different sights,And now I've made my concrete decision,,,,NO RADIATION,nor CHEMO !!!!
Why put off the invevitable and let the salesmen make their $..???
The lady I used to know sat there and listened to the salesman,and was upset with me when we were done.She dosent think that I am as sick as I am,,,oh well.
Monday,I go back to my brain surgen for a check up.He dosent sugar coat a darn thing,,I like his style and his bedside manner.He makes his $ on surgery,not false hope.I tend to believe him.
GOD,,I wish people would accept this as I have and let me have my good days and my bad.I'm not asking for anything other than understanding.GOD forbid,,once you have been here,,you'll understand.
A lady I used to know took me to my oncologist (salesman) on friday. He was full of promise and hope for a little more time.He offered radiation to my brain and my lung so I might last a little longer,or just maintnence meds if I decided to do without the radation.Remember folks !!! He's a salesman !! He makes his money by supplying false hope when he knows that stage 4 is it..
I have been up since 2 am this morning, chatting with people on different sights,And now I've made my concrete decision,,,,NO RADIATION,nor CHEMO !!!!
Why put off the invevitable and let the salesmen make their $..???
The lady I used to know sat there and listened to the salesman,and was upset with me when we were done.She dosent think that I am as sick as I am,,,oh well.
Monday,I go back to my brain surgen for a check up.He dosent sugar coat a darn thing,,I like his style and his bedside manner.He makes his $ on surgery,not false hope.I tend to believe him.
GOD,,I wish people would accept this as I have and let me have my good days and my bad.I'm not asking for anything other than understanding.GOD forbid,,once you have been here,,you'll understand.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Feb.3 11
On Feb.1st I woke up feeling great !! A lady that I used to know, came by around 10:00 to help with appointments. I gotts to feeling rough so I took another 1 of those morphene pills.An hour later,I was in la,la land.My Mother came by and I don't even remember it.Grrrr.
I stayed in bed from Tue. till late Wed. afternoon.What a waste of time !!!
I ordered 2 pizzas Wed. night and the delivery guy called 3 times..Boy was he ever lost !! On the third time,almost 2 hr.had gone by,so I told him that he just bought himself 2 pizzas and just go back to the pizza shop.Meanwhile,I called the pizza place and explained the problem.The manager got on the phone and apologized.With my customer #,he knew that I've been ordering from them for at least 5 years.He asked if I still wanted the pizzas and I said yup.As long as they weren't the first ones..In 30min.they arrived and the driver said ''NO CHARGE!!!!'' Gotta love Papa Johns !!
Friday morning,I have an appointment with the Radiation Doctor in Phx...The way things are going,I hope he can blast this thing in my head.Now I just gotta find a ride.
Again,,,anybody wanna buy some machinist tool??
I stayed in bed from Tue. till late Wed. afternoon.What a waste of time !!!
I ordered 2 pizzas Wed. night and the delivery guy called 3 times..Boy was he ever lost !! On the third time,almost 2 hr.had gone by,so I told him that he just bought himself 2 pizzas and just go back to the pizza shop.Meanwhile,I called the pizza place and explained the problem.The manager got on the phone and apologized.With my customer #,he knew that I've been ordering from them for at least 5 years.He asked if I still wanted the pizzas and I said yup.As long as they weren't the first ones..In 30min.they arrived and the driver said ''NO CHARGE!!!!'' Gotta love Papa Johns !!
Friday morning,I have an appointment with the Radiation Doctor in Phx...The way things are going,I hope he can blast this thing in my head.Now I just gotta find a ride.
Again,,,anybody wanna buy some machinist tool??
Monday, January 31, 2011
Jan.31st 11
Well,the last part of the 27th was a bust,,,eyeball just started hurtin really bad,stayed in my room in the dark for the rest of the afternoon and night.
The 28th was my mother's 76th B.D... So I dropped of a card (stuck it in her front door).We dont visit much,she cant accept what going on.
Saturday,my friend Richard and I went to see my lil' brother Ron,down in Coolidge.Rich helped him install one of those attic door and ladder combos in his garage,,I just watched,Larry the dog played with Ron's dog Bailey,,they got along great!!! Thats a good thing, 'cause Larry goes to Ron when I pass.. Not much discomfort Saturday,,,the day was good !!
Sunday,,I went to lunch with My Mother,Don,and my brother Ron,all was good! We went to Red Lobster and I ate like a pig !!! I had taken a time release Morphine pill, and all was well,(a guy can get hooked on those).
When I got home,I checked on my Ins.and Soc.Sec....Yea!
Ins. was accepted,now I just wait for my card so I can get the radiation on by brain.I'm not gonna worry about my lung or colon.Just wanna be able to think straight,and all that stuff.
Soc.Sec. hasent been approved yet,They said they were expiditing my case,,(yea right)
I had homade chili for dinner and ate like a pig again.Crap !! I'm getting fat!!
Today, I'm feeling pretty good so far. Gonna see about selling my darn tools again to people I know,If no takers,I'm gonna pick them up from Jay's place and go to some pawn shops this week.A little $ is better then nothing.
It's almost 9:30 am and I've babbled too much,so take care friends.please check yourself as a follower on here so I might see who is interested in my daily thoughts.
The 28th was my mother's 76th B.D... So I dropped of a card (stuck it in her front door).We dont visit much,she cant accept what going on.
Saturday,my friend Richard and I went to see my lil' brother Ron,down in Coolidge.Rich helped him install one of those attic door and ladder combos in his garage,,I just watched,Larry the dog played with Ron's dog Bailey,,they got along great!!! Thats a good thing, 'cause Larry goes to Ron when I pass.. Not much discomfort Saturday,,,the day was good !!
Sunday,,I went to lunch with My Mother,Don,and my brother Ron,all was good! We went to Red Lobster and I ate like a pig !!! I had taken a time release Morphine pill, and all was well,(a guy can get hooked on those).
When I got home,I checked on my Ins.and Soc.Sec....Yea!
Ins. was accepted,now I just wait for my card so I can get the radiation on by brain.I'm not gonna worry about my lung or colon.Just wanna be able to think straight,and all that stuff.
Soc.Sec. hasent been approved yet,They said they were expiditing my case,,(yea right)
I had homade chili for dinner and ate like a pig again.Crap !! I'm getting fat!!
Today, I'm feeling pretty good so far. Gonna see about selling my darn tools again to people I know,If no takers,I'm gonna pick them up from Jay's place and go to some pawn shops this week.A little $ is better then nothing.
It's almost 9:30 am and I've babbled too much,so take care friends.please check yourself as a follower on here so I might see who is interested in my daily thoughts.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Jan 27th 11 B
Yesterday my lil' brother Ron came by and took me to see my good friend Jay. They got along pretty well,talked about guns and such.
Afterwards.we dropped Larry off at home and went to Country Buffet..I had 4 plates of food and a bowl of beef stew. Ron couldn't believe I could eat so much, ha,ha.ha !!
About 3:00 I started feeling tired so my day was pretty much over.
Afterwards.we dropped Larry off at home and went to Country Buffet..I had 4 plates of food and a bowl of beef stew. Ron couldn't believe I could eat so much, ha,ha.ha !!
About 3:00 I started feeling tired so my day was pretty much over.
Jan 27th 11
Well on the 12th of Jan...I went to see my Doc again...had another CT scan and got some more bad news. Looks like things are growing pretty fast,crap !! My Doc cut my time about in half.
I was wondering why my eyeball felt like someone was poking it from the inside !!
Still gaining wieght and eating like my favorite animal(pig).
Wow,,from 135 to 153 lbs in a week!!!
Well this is my history so from now on,it will the boring stuff,like every day things.
I was wondering why my eyeball felt like someone was poking it from the inside !!
Still gaining wieght and eating like my favorite animal(pig).
Wow,,from 135 to 153 lbs in a week!!!
Well this is my history so from now on,it will the boring stuff,like every day things.
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